As I walk through the valley of the shadow of life

In my life journey, I’m approaching the cruel streets of the real world. Gone are my innocent days confined and sheltered inside the walls of the Ateneo Grade School where we were taught to leave a space for our guardian angel whenever and wherever we sat. A song from my Ateneo Grade School days says the angels of the Lord are gathered round about. A biblical passage talks about how when we finally walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we should not fear, for the Lord will walk with us. But what about me, who is yet living? As I walk through the valley of the shadow of life, I search for God’s angels who are gathered round about. I looked to my side where my guardian angel should be. In high school we were taught that we are the Holy Spirit’s temple, that we are God’s miracle, and that God uses us as his instruments. So I looked to the people beside me to assume the role of my guardian angel. For a while they were my exemplars and I looked up to them. I listened to their towering words. I was ignited by their fiery idealism. I admiringly watched them walk their righteous walk. “All hail the living angels of the Lord, oh how they really are gathered round about!” I heralded to my soul. So me and my angels, we walked through the valley of the shadow of life, and I was thankful that I had them beside me to guide me through the crooked streets, the mystifying forks and the abysmal pits in the shadow of the valley of life. My soul rejoiced and it thanked them saying, “How glad I am to have you angels by my side.” But my angels, they were bewildered by my words, and in complete chaos they chorused, “What say you? Are you not an angel? Surely you are, because surely I am not!” And in the disarray that ensued, my soul was shocked to notice that they had no wings, and that they too were mere human souls as lost as I was, traversing the valley of the shadow of life, looking for angels, or the Lord’s physical guiding hand, which we could not find.

In short, I’m already in college, so close to the real world. I get exposed to the workings of the corrupt systems of government, social life, and even school. I am disillusioned. No single event put me where I am today. It is a culmination of several experiences and reflections. The world is not nice. Honestly, I consider myself nice enough. So the world and I, we don’t really jive. The good I find in the world aren’t good enough for me to believe. I believe God made the world to be good, but we failed and now we don’t believe God. I think we don’t believe in God because we failed ourselves. We failed ourselves in fulfilling our mission to make the world good as we believed God intended it, and when we failed, blaming ourselves would add insult to injury and so we blamed God.

That’s where Jesus came/comes in. Iesu Hominum Salvator! I believe in Jesus. No one is a complete holy man in this world, all heroes and saints are corrupted one way or another. Only one man was, and His name was Jesus Christ. That is who He is to me and that is why I believe in Him. Jesus is my paragon. Jesus is the light I find whenever the shadow of life suffocates me. Jesus lifts me up when the world depresses me. Jesus instructs me when my finite human mind is confused with a tempest of thoughts and is bombarded by conflicting, erroneous human advice. Jesus is perfect.

Yet the trouble lies, once again, with my human finiteness. Jesus my paragon is subject to my interpretation of Him. Who is He, really? Is He the Complete and Flawless Good? They say never meet your childhood heroes. For all you know they got addicted to crack while you were growing up, and when you visit them one day as an adult, you’ll find them in a shanty somewhere, drunk, stoned, and messed up. Then all your childhood memories of him will be corrupted, you will be disillusioned, and your childhood will have gone to waste.

But I still believe that when, if I ever do, meet my Paragon, I will not be disappointed, and I shall be glad that I’ll never walk in any valley of shadows ever again.